Somehow... Ugandan English

I read somewhere that African English should be recognised as a separate category of English, in the same way as British or American English are. I don’t know whether the local variations of English are similar enough throughout the African continent (I’d tend to think not), or if they qualify for a "language" (who decides this anyway?).

What I am sure about is that Ugandan English *is* a special breed of English, which continues to surprise me. And though Microsoft Word doesn’t grant it an independent existence in its spell check, you can find an entry on Ugandan English on Wikipedia (which lists some of the specialties I’ve heard around here, some that I haven’t - but it doesn’t include many of my favourites).

On one hand, there is the pronunciation. Clipping of Rs when there are more consonants together ("art" might sound more like "at"), or adding random vowels between clusters of consonants can make understanding perhaps a bit difficult at the beginning, but it’s fairly manageable once you get used to it. Bit trickier are the innovative pronunciations of some words, which I imagine origin from the inconsistent intricacies of English spelling vs pronunciation: I’m still a bit startled when I hear the local version of the likes of "document" or "particular", with the c sounding as ch in "cheese"; or when the girl washing our clothes asks me for soup instead of soap (what did you say you wanted to wash our clothes in?).

The rhythm and the speed of the speech are different – slower, of course, with long and lazy vowels. "Moooooonday." Nice and long.

What you see written hugely depends on the cultural and educational level of the person concerned, but you can find a lot of creativity in the spelling... Who guesses what is "Cup chino", or "dis one z killa"? :-) Or how about a plian omlet from the menu below?

But the *really* delicious part are some expressions, which are here used just slightly differently than you’d do in Europe.

Sorry. Don’t be tricked into thinking it means an apology. No no, don't expect to hear it when somebody steps on your foot, for example. You're more likely to hear it from a bystander if you (all by yourself) crash into a lamp post. Because the real meaning is expressing sympathy, along the lines of "I’m sorry to hear/see that". Thus, the correct use goes along the lines of:

A: I have a bad flu.

B: Ohh, sorry!

By the way. Any phrases that prolong a sentence without adding any meaning whatsoever are welcome, and this expression is a basic, by the way. 

When you can’t think of the right word, you simply insert "the what". Or even better, "the what what". "I went to the what what? (pause) To the shop." Or it can also mean an equivalent of "stuff". "They brought their bag and what what."

If you don’t have something, you say that "it is not there". If you ask for a coffee and, after waiting for half an hour in vain, you’d happen to inquire about what was going on with your coffee, you might just be told that "the coffee is not there."

Somehow. A key word in Ugandan English. Things "somehow happen". You "somehow arrive late" (not so much your fault as when you simply arrive late). A glass somehow breaks. Or, in a more sinister use, things "somehow disappear" (they are never, NEVER, stolen).

Inanimate objects here seem to gain a personality and own will to resist – or "refuse" – to execute the purpose for which they were created: "this morning the motorbike has somehow refused to start"… Nasty rebellious things.

But if instead of talking about an object you talk about a person, you don't use "refuse" - obviously, people don't refuse to do things. They fail to do them: "I was supposed to go yesterday... but I failed to be there."

Then there is the helping thing. If your Ugandan friend/colleague comes to you saying, "can you help me with a phone charger?", don’t assume that they don’t know how to use it and they want you to assist them. "Help me with" can be translated as "give me" or "lend me". No actual help needed!

Being polite and as indirect in your speech as possible is simply crucial. "Let me..." can be used in combination with just about anything. You don’t just say things straight away, you start with "let me tell you". You don’t simply go, you say "let me come, (by the way)".

To which you might as well answer "yes please", a reply to much more than just a question whether you want milk in your coffee. It is perfectly usable also after "do you have some salt?" You can even answer your phone with a "yes please".

Generally certain smooth euphemisms seem to rock here. I was reading the other day how local leaders here needed some motivation. Dear me, give them some words of encouragement, I thought. Until a while later I read that they should be "given a monthly motivation". Aha, we’re talking about something different here :-)

"Are you sure?" The first time I was told this (in the Ugandan English sense) was when I mentioned to my (Ugandan) work colleague that I was going to a friend’s wedding that weekend. Are you sure?, he said. For a while I thought he suspected me from trying to conceal that in fact I was planning to spend the weekend in a bar instead. Later I figured it means something along the lines of "uhm". You can also freely exchange "Are you sure?" for "Are you serious?".

In Uganda you are never afraid. You fear. "I feared I missed the bus."

And you never face a problem either, you only face a challenge. Fair enough, we also do that - but in circumstances such as "the challenge is that the latrines are full" I might have gone for a "problem" instead.

So a part of a conversation between two Ugandan friends discussing the issue of missing refreshment could perfectly look something like this:

A: The challenge is that the what what? ... the beer is not there. We have somehow failed to get the new supply because the telephone has refused to work.
B: Are you sure? 
A: Yes please. I fear we will not manage to overcome the situation, by the way.
B: Ohhh, sorry!
A: Let me bring you a soda instead.
B: Can you also help me with the opener?

(Soda is a generic name for any fizzy sweet drink of the Coke/Fanta sort, the more radioactively colourful, the better. HUGELY popular in Uganda.)

Oh, and one useful thing to know when you travel around Uganda – to pee is here a "short call". Knowing this might save you in a "challenging situation".

At the same time, when I read through quotes from people in remote rural villages in the far North of Uganda talking about "holistic approach to sensitisation" or "weighing the magnitude of a problem", or when I listen to their smooth, polite and especially very indirect ways of talking (except when they scream "muzungu muzungu" at you on the street), I wonder whether perhaps Ugandan English isn’t more of an archived print(screen) of 1960s British English* adapted to African reality.

     *Uganda gained independence from the UK in 1962